Six Times You Called Me Jessica
by Newgirl78
Summary: You were too important to me, that I could never accept your heart if I wasn't sure you would let me keep it. But you grabbed my hand before I even knew I needed it, and you didn't let go.


_A big thank you to Joyful-Sound and TheSmutWillSaveUsAll for their amazing insight on this one._

* * *

It all started so long ago, when we were only close friends. We'd already had so many intense moments before then, but none that made me feel quite like that day.

Nothing hit me as hard as that first time you called me, Jessica.

From the outside, it probably appeared that I had so much rage. I was so completely appalled that you would suggest that I was treating you like a boyfriend. You were my friend, someone I could count on. I couldn't believe that you would think I would take advantage of our friendship like that.

How dare you think anything, but that you meant too much for me to ever do that to you!

Maybe I just didn't think I had been so transparent.

I thought, as time had passed and my feelings had slowly changed, that I had done a better job at hiding what was going on inside my head. How hard I had tried to ignore the tightness in my chest and the fluttering in my gut that I was starting to feel in those moments where you glanced my way, or when our bodies would so briefly brush against one another.

We found ourselves throwing words through the air, snapping back and forth at each other, one quip after the next, neither of us relenting.

I admitted that day that I had thought about us. I tried to play it off as just one fleeting moment, but it wasn't. It was never just once, and I think you probably knew I was lying. Because you always knew. You knew me better than anyone, even then. But you pretended to be surprised and you wanted to know why I thought it would never work.

When I said it was because you drove me nuts, it wasn't a lie.

You did drive me nuts, and it made me wonder what it could be like with you more and more each passing day. Every glance my way, every small touch, each small moment between us made me ache to know what it was like to be yours. I sought out others who were as unlike you as possible, just to try to prove to myself that I could never need you that much. That I would be fine without you, because I _couldn't_ have you.

You were my friend.

There were no boxes in my life for someone like you.

If I were to have you, I would have to keep you the way we were, because trying to be what we weren't could mean I would lose you.

I couldn't lose you.

You were too important to me, that I could never accept your heart if I wasn't sure you would let me keep it.

* * *

You called me Jessica when you were fearful that one of my students was out to harm me. When I walked into your room, I'll never forget how safe and cared for I felt, as you passionately gestured to your board of "evidence", carefully created using my favorite red yarn. For someone who seemed so uninterested in the world around him all the time, you had spent so much energy trying to prove to me that I could be in danger.

How strange it was that something so ridiculous could open my eyes to how lucky I was to have you in my corner.

As I watched your eyes, fiery with passion when you described what you had found, I wondered what it would be like if you really were the one I could depend on. How strong your arms suddenly seemed, and how obvious it was that you cared what happened to me. Something happened that day, and I realized that I couldn't keep pretending that we were simply friends. My mind was flooded with memories of all the sweet things you had done and said in order to "protect" me. The haunted house, humoring me about fulfilling my dreams of becoming pregnant, believing in me when I thought I would never teach children again.

I started to wonder how far you would go, how long you'd remain by my side, before someone else was sure to weave their way into your heart. I remember the sinking feeling I felt when I thought of a time where I wouldn't have you there to support me, and to cheer me up when I was down. I realized that someday, someone else would steal your attention from me, and I felt an overwhelming desire to tell you just how much you meant to me.

I wanted to tell you I needed you. But I didn't.

I was too afraid...but you weren't.

You stopped thinking long enough to take the first step.

It was beautiful, and tender, and exhilarating.

* * *

You whispered the name Jessica moments before placing me so gently on your bed, the first time we made love. When you swept me into your arms, I was amazed at how strong you were. How could I have never noticed how effortlessly you had held me to your heart? How guarded, yet vulnerable you had allowed your feelings to be when we finally were able to show each other how much we meant to the other.

I felt you stare into my soul that night and I knew. I knew I wanted you, how much I had always wanted you. When you kissed me, and touched me, I felt so alive and beautiful. You seemed to know exactly what I needed, as if we had done it a hundred times before.

It was like a mysterious new adventure, and being home all at once.

The night was filled with passion, and hope, and never wanting to let you go.

You held me tight, in the last moments before falling to sleep and whispered in my ear, "I want this, Jessica. All I ever wanted was you."

* * *

You told me you loved me on a Tuesday.

We had gotten home from the bar, fighting over something ridiculous and you slammed the loft door behind you. I asked you why you were so angry, why we couldn't just enjoy a nice moment together. You seemed irritated, upset that some guy had been talking about me all night while he sat on his stool demanding more beer.

Earlier that night at the bar, all I could see was your face and your smile, and the way you always knew how to make even the worst days better. You had my favorite wine ready in a cooled glass when I walked in the door and you took my face in your hands like we were the only two people in the world. You kissed me and told me I looked beautiful. I laughed thinking how it had been a bad day at school, full of hormonal teenage outbursts and unfriendly coworkers. I remembered running my fingers along the smooth, shiny, freshly waxed surface of the bar as your hands expertly moved so effortlessly behind it. You stroked my arm and listened when I told you it had been a rough day.

Then we came home, and when we got on the elevator, you wouldn't hold my hand and I could tell something was bothering you. You finally told me about the guy at the bar and I know I hurt your feelings when all I could do was laugh. You were so silly when we first got together, because you had no idea how fast I had fallen for you. You didn't know how long it took me to fall asleep at night, because I was afraid that I would wake up in the morning and being in your arms had only been a dream. You didn't know that I used to sneak into your room while you were at work and just smile at all the things that you had laying around that reminded me of you. You didn't know that I would take naps in your bed when I got home from school, before I would come to visit you at the bar.

You didn't know how long it had already been since I knew I loved _you_.

How scared I was to tell you. How much my heart ached for you all the time. How the memory of you wanting to call it still haunted my dreams.

So when you acted jealous that night, I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous an idea it was that you thought you could lose me.

You yelled that I didn't know how to pay attention to things, that people were always out to take advantage and screw you over.

I yelled back that you sounded completely insane.

Then you said it.

"I can't believe the woman I love can be so incredibly clueless, Jessica!"

It happened so fast and caught me off guard. I didn't know how much I longed to hear it until the words finally hung in the air between us. You saw my face fall and you rushed to grab my hand, apologizing so quickly.

"God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell, it was stupid."

"You said you loved me."

"What?"

"You said, 'the woman I love'." I looked at you as your eyes widened in shock. At that moment I was terrified that I had really screwed up, that I had heard something that wasn't really said. I whispered so softly to you. "Did you mean it?"

"I meant it. I did, I...Jessica, I love you."

* * *

It was snowing the day I accidentally asked you to marry me.

We were in Chicago for Christmas and I insisted we go for a walk before we left for LA the next morning. It was so cold and I stuck out my tongue at you when you said my coat would never be warm enough. You never said "I told you so" when I started to shiver a block from your childhood home and you wordlessly took off your jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders. We laughed at how crazy the holidays were in the Miller house and how someday ours would be different. We didn't even realize what we were saying when we started talking about having a house and a family someday. It started to snow and I grabbed your hands, still laughing. I remember the look on your face when I said, "You should marry me, Miller. I'd make an awesome wife." Your eyes didn't move from mine when you decisively stated, "Okay, Jessica" without a second thought. Then you reached in your pocket and pulled out the beautiful ring that Walt had given Bonnie and put it on my finger.

You told me your life hadn't been the same since you met me.

Then you kissed me and I knew.

I knew that the day I became Jessica Miller would be the start of something even more amazing.

You didn't know that I could see you from the back of the church on our wedding day. I watched you, through the tiny crack in the door as Cece stood next to me and gently stroked my arm waiting for our cue. There were soft wind chimes echoing outside as you were straightening your tie and the entire world around me seem to stand still. I thought you had seen me when you stared in my direction as Schmidt slapped you on the shoulder and you smiled. I was so nervous when I saw your breath hitch in your chest when I stepped through the doorway. For a split second I felt this fear that you would somehow finally realize what a crazy weirdo I was and turn around and run away. But then you smiled so softly at me, just nodding your head in awe the entire time I walked towards you. You didn't know that I was so afraid I would fall when I stepped up next to you. But you grabbed my hand before I even knew I needed it, and you didn't let go.

You've never let go.

Your hand, your heart have always been there, waiting to catch me.

Holding me up.

Keeping me safe.

I don't think you know that every night, just before you drift off to sleep, you'll gently twist my wedding band around my finger. I like to imagine that you're remembering the moment when you first promised to love me forever, because no matter what has happened in our lives, when you touch my ring each night, I know everything's going to be okay.

* * *

Today when you called me Jessica, it wasn't just your deep brown eyes that I could see. You smiled at me, pushing damp strands of hair off my face. When you leaned close to kiss my cheek, I saw another set of eyes staring back at me. As I struggled to catch my breath, more exhausted than I've ever been, your strong hands supported mine as you placed a sweet baby in my arms. I'll never forget the look on your face when you spoke the most beautiful words I've ever heard, "Jessica, it's our little girl".

You told me it would be worth it. You told me how wonderful it would be to wait, and I didn't want to believe you. I wanted to pick out clothes and paint pretty colors on the walls, and imagine what our child would be like. But you stayed strong and made me promise to wait with you, so we could both see her for the first time as our daughter together. You stayed strong for me so we could make our first moment as a family special. I'd never seen you so excited to have an honor saved only for you.

When I looked at you with tired eyes and saw you smile, I knew that all the times you had said you loved me paled in comparison to how much you would love her. You squeezed my hand as I begged you to tell me if it was a boy or a girl and you just winked at me with your wry smile, making me wait just a few moments longer. I saw the tears in your eyes when they wrapped our baby in a blanket and placed the tiny newborn in your arms. And when you knelt down next to the bed as we both held her together, the moment when you called me Jessica was followed by the sweetest words you've ever whispered to me. Your soft voice telling me we had a daughter.

You smiled at her, then you looked back at me.

"Daddy loves you so much, Ellie. I'm going to take such good care of you and mommy, I promise."

The longer we're together, the harder it is to remember my life before I loved you. But no matter how long it's been, every time you call me Jessica, it takes me back to the moment when the word first slipped passed your lips.

I'm reminded of a time, and a place, when I finally realized that love and friendship didn't belong in separate boxes.

All I ever needed was one special box...for you.


End file.
